I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
