We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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