When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
