They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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