I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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