Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
