my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
