So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
