All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
