I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
