im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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