Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
