Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
