dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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