put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I looked at my own cervix.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
