hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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