there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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