i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
