you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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