Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
