how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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