did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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