I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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