im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
