I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
