hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
