trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
