so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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