just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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