so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
