Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
