I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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