I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
