i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
