After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
