I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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