so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
