So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
