A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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