if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
