worst night to have a conscience
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
