If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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