we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
