she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A+ Viking dick
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
