I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
