ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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