I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
