he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
