Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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