return my video game
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
